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Me vs. Brain
Sunday. 4.29.07 6:53 am
So this deadly battle has been raging between my brain and I for the past few days which is of course ripping me apart. Shit happens. People do an say things that I don't understand but will go along with for their sake, and ultimately, hopefully, for my own. but the problem is not knowing. People usually fear what they don't understand which is oh so true for me now. I used to not knowing which has been more exciting for a situation. Enlisting was a HUGE step of not knowing which was exciting as all hell and I would do it again for that reason.

but that situation presented me with a kind of nothing to lose attitude which is what made the not knowing ok because i wasn't worried. now i have something to lose, something huge which the pain of losing is unbearable. which is where the battle begins. My logic train stops at what is about the worst possible scenario for me and I freak out. where on the same hand, i logically have no reason to think that. We all know i don't trust many people. So why is it that when someone I trust and love tells me something, it doesnt think in and I worry like this? I want to say its because I dont trust her but thats not the case at all. She a much stronger person than I am and I'll be damned if i bounce around lying, especially when someones emotions are on the line like now.

Yet still I worry. Still I look to the unknown without confidence which is new to me and i can't stand it. well its not new, i had it all the time when i was young and decided to not put myself in situations like this. but this is completely out of my hands. Grant it, I want to say I've done everything I could, but that simply isn't true and I guess is sort of my payment for that. which i'll pay. but this feeling of helplessness feels completely new and im not sure what to do or how to react. The answer put out is that time will resolve it but it seems more like time has been the culprit. If i could go to bed knowing that in [blank] amount of time it will be all good, and these things will be out of systems, then I would sleep fine and tackle each day in between no problem. And even though i was told by said person I trust that it will, I still can't sleep.

The clash is killing me here because I still believe it will be all good because you told me, and I believe you and have more hope for it than anything i can remember (barring life threatening things like dads surgery(ies)). ANd i know im being whiny again and youre probably tired of hearing it and me ranting on like an idiot, but even more than always the small things are what kills me. You saying you love me will easily make my week, where as dodging saying it has the opposite effect. I dont know what more to say on the subject that i haven't already said. I always thought my feelings were out there in the open all pink and naked. but i know i can be bad at communicating these things so let me know if theres anything youre not clear on. and i only worry that because theres so many things that I am not clear on.

and then ...

and then all of a sudden another wave comes over, a good song comes on and my brain starts to win the battle. i realize (or at least tell myself) that all you told me was true and that the feelings i believed in so fervently before dont just disappear, especially this fast. i start to acknowledge (or at least tell myself) you do just want what you said and that i shouldnt worry. that im not being replaced or discarded. that the feelings are still there and words/situations are all that are changing. its hard for me. damn hard. the battle is getting both me and the brain to be on the same page, and part of that page is trust on you. both of us do trust you fully but as always we overanalyze and contradict and try to find the most logical answer to a situation where its not applicable. The fight creates this huge rift within me but its all a test or at least a process into my trust for you. and without that trust there is no us. at any level.

so i will put up with the struggle to reach/prove that point for you. but saying it only like that makes me very codependent where the truth may be more that i will reach/prove it for me. everything i do is for myself in some fashion (as is true with everything). even driving that broad to the airport was just so i would have done something nice and felt better for myself. yeah i wanted to help her and she definately appreciated it, but if i didnt enjoy helping people, i wouldnt have and i would be selfish. so on the same coin, if my infatuation with you, and just being with you didnt make me happy i wouldnt deal with this. so all im asking, as i said before, is more insight as to whats going on big picture and small i guess. i dont want anything to be said that isnt meant, but i already know you wouldnt which is more of that struggle whooping my ass.

god it would rock if there were really two of me, so then one could go to work and the other could just play Paper Mario all day, then switch off. Plus, i could look at myself all day without needing a mirror. Mmmm.
1 Comments.


Not only could you look at yourself but you could talk to yourself and have a two sided convo without being too crazy. Plus instead of thinking all this over contsantly in your head you could just sit down and discuss it out with yourself lol.
» lyndeep on 2007-05-04 04:47:17

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